ok sooo its been awhile…
alot has gone down and i’ve lost some friends and am questioning current friendships.
people tell me ask me alot why am i friends with that kid?… hes rude or something like that.
then people say i can do better.
and idk what to do… cuz that person who i felt like always had my back, now i feel like he doesn’t. and that feeling sucks.
i’m feeling replaced. and its not the greatest feeling. but at the same time while he moves on im supposed to ignore people who want to hang out to me. and haven’t done me any wrong.
i undrestand always that there are 2 sides to every story. and at this point i dont know what to do. cuz i pride myself on being loyal. but would it really be horrible if i did what i wanted.
the majority of people tell me no. and that since that person pulled shady shit on you that it shouldnt matter what you do.
and then his voice pops into my head… and always when im tlking to other people that i’ve met through him. and it hurts when someone tells you ” they just wanna be your friend to get back at me”… it makes me feel like a chess piece or something. and im just part of some sick twisted game.
but then another part of me is like no that couldnt be true. its like i have a bunch of pros and cons in my head. and i feel like no matter what the end result is im always gonna come out looking like a bitch.
im in a awkward position and it sucks. and it was just because of two conversations…. which proves that i mite be over analyzing everything. and that in the end im not gonna be able to handle everything that comes my way.
but i feel like alot of times im only wanted around when its convenient and im only needed when no one else is there. and i dnt kno if im okay feeling this way.
i think im being too cautious and then im thinking im being smart or dumb…. and im quite confuddled.
cuz i really thought i had a close bond with one person until that bond was broken by betrayal. and that same person expected me to just get over it and then drop it and remain loyal to him like nothig happened.
i wanna tell him all this but then i get yelled at or pushed away lately for stating my opinion. it sucks. and i never used to be this person. and i miss the person i was and the friendship i used to have. when my “good friend” didnt make me feel like shit. and i didnt feel like he told me shit to scare and hurt me. i just need a change in scenery…
and for my mind to stop analyzing for a little bit.
done venting. thats all for now. i know i sound pretty pathetic. but i cant sound strong and secure all the time…